Who Am I

Who am I? They often tell me
I stepped from my cell’s confinement
Calmly, cheerfully, firmly,
Like a Squire from his country house.

Who am I? They often tell me
I used to speak to my warders
Freely and friendly and clearly,
As thought it were mine to command.

Who am I? They also tell me
I bore the days of misfortune
Equably, smilingly, proudly,
like one accustomed to win.

Am I then really that which other men tell of?
Or am I only what I myself know of myself?
Restless and longing and sick, like a bird in a cage,
Struggling for breath, as though hands were compressing my throat,
Yearning for colors, for flowers, for the voices of birds,
Thirsting for words of kindness, for neighborliness,
Tossing in expectations of great events,
Powerlessly trembling for friends at an infinite distance,
Weary and empty at praying, at thinking, at making,
Faint, and ready to say farewell to it all.

Who am I? This or the Other?
Am I one person today and tomorrow another?
Am I both at once? A hypocrite before others,
And before myself a contemptible woebegone weakling?
Or is something within me still like a beaten army
Fleeing in disorder from victory already achieved?

Who am I? They mock me, these lonely questions of mine.
Whoever I am, Thou knowest, O God, I am thine!

By: Dietrich Bonhoeffer (1906-1945)

This poem was written by Dietrich Bonhoeffer while he was in prison. From what I know, Bonhoeffer was a theologian who was now in a Berlin prison cell after being caught by the Gestapo. These men assumed death was soon to come day after day. This poem was written not to long before he was executed.

This poem stood out to me because it is the battle of every true fighting Christian. Bonhoeffer describes his emotions as being composed yet insecure, calm but restless, changing moment by moment. Bonhoeffer has moments that he is walking out of his prison cell with the confidence of a squire (nobleman) but then feeling restless at night like a bird in a cage. With these paradigms constantly shifting, it is only a matter of time till you ask yourself, who am I?

In the Christian walk you have moments where you feel that you are a good person. You read your Bible, you pray every night, you lead out Wednesday night prayer meeting for goodness sake. However, the next day you struggle with the same sin you’ve been trying to get over for years, or maybe you hold on to your anger that seems impossible to let go. Then you ask yourself, who am I?

This is who you are, neither. You are not yourself when you are at your best, neither are you yourself when you are at your lowest: you are Christ’s. If you constantly value yourself on the things that you do, you will be let down. One day you will be doing so good, but the next day you fall down again. Strive for righteousness and know that grace is there when you fall, but always remember that you are wholeheartedly His.